Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.
